Friends, loved ones, robots…
I have something important to admit.
I’ve been hiding it for more than two years, but I just can’t go on feeling this way. I have to be true to myself and that means telling all of you the painful, lethargic, flatulent truth.
I have Celiac Disease.
My doctor pretty much straight-up told me right to my face like a boss two years ago when I was complaining about abdominal discomfort, headaches, heart burn, and some other throat, butt, and everything in between problems. Every time I ate a sandwich, I would puff up around my belly like I just got an alien baby implanted in my stomach and the alien baby was made mostly of helium.
So, I had to go get a twofer. Yup, a colonoscopy and endoscopy AT THE SAME TIME. WHAT. Like a champ. While I was lying on the table, drugged up on something awesome (don’t buy drugs, kids—pretend you have bad gas and the doctor will just give them to you so she can look inside your tubes) I am pretty sure I asked her to at least buy me dinner if she ever wanted to put a camera up my butt again, so I am extremely confident that this woman had absolutely no reason not to be excruciatingly honest with me about how bad I was fucking up my insides by eating the glutens.
The point is, I know, one-hundred-percent-for-realskies that I have a medical reason to avoid this particular protein.
Why haven’t I said anything until now?
Because I’m already really annoying about food, what with the obnoxious vegetarian diet I insist on maintaining / unfairly subjecting all of you to. Also “gluten-free” became such a fad, I got worried no one would ever take me seriously, or worse, comparisons might be drawn to the last time I bought into a fad. I was in Middle-school and it was (pop) punk and you were all very patient about that, but let’s be real—it wasn’t a good look for me. Or most human beings, for that matter. I once painted my finger nails black. I dyed my hair orange. I had one of those necklaces made of little metal balls. Ugh.
(I’m tempted to write “I digress” here, but who has the time to pretend they’re impressed by anyone who writes that anymore, eh? Not me.)
I digest… gluten very poorly, so I’m not going to eat it anymore. If you have any questions for me about the symptoms of Celiac Disease, whether or not steak is gluten-free, why as I vegetarian I don’t eat steak, or anything else generally relating to food or the consumption thereof, I would be happy to invite you to please feel free to Google it.
Thank you all for your love and support in this dark hour.