"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 3"
For all the very obvious problems with my profile, I did one thing well; I was honest.
Yes, sometimes I wrote strange, unnecessary jokes, described myself in confusing terms, and wrote in a style that even Stephen Fry would find dry and difficult to approach… but I was always honest.
So, I found it very confusing when I’d receive messages from people who very neatly fit into a description of exactly the sort of person I don’t think I could ever date…
Yet, this happened. Repeatedly. Why?
Along with wordy, difficult to approach descriptions of myself, basic statistics about me were also prominently featured under my poorly chosen username and avatar. These are standard in most online dating profiles—the statistics, not the username and avatar. Actually, you know what? No. All of it is standard.
My statistics-bearing sidebar looked like this:
Okay, so most of the information there is inert. However, there are two very important points which I also brought up in other areas of my profile (areas I’ve yet to share with you).
First: I’m a strict vegetarian.
Second: I’m an atheist… for lack of a better or more accurate descriptor.
No, this doesn’t mean I was looking for a partner to go dancing naked with me at convents, lobbing kale salad through the dorm windows of sleeping nuns, but I thought it was at least implied that if you call yourself a “Christian Carnivore” in your profile… we’re probably not compatible.
The Christian Carnivores tended to disagree. They’d usually become very angry with me when I turned down offers to go on a Sunday afternoon date to eat the best burger in LA “…and order it so rare that it’s dripping!”
It’s fine that there are a lot of people in the world who want to go to church on Sundays and eat nearly raw meat after, I’m just not particularly interested in dating those people.
It isn’t that I would deny developing feelings or the emergence of a healthy relationship that had amazing potential for life-long happiness with a person who was religious, ate meat, or both… but generally speaking, my lifestyle choices would be as much or more a problem for them as theirs would be for me.
And if you’re going through all the trouble of setting up an online dating profile and navigating the very awkward and uncomfortable process of meeting and dating strangers you found on the web (an endeavor not entirely unlike trying to eat hot soup with your bare hands without spilling), wouldn’t you want to avoid dates with people you seem to have nothing in common with?
I mean, it’s one thing to disagree about your favorite video game. It’s another thing entirely to disagree about your basic understanding of the Universe and human beings’ place in it.
This world is made of love and peace…
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 2"
Re-reading my first post in this series, I realize I may have accidentally insulted a few people that I didn’t intend to.
The primary goal of this series is to make fun of myself. Trust me, I deserve it. As I began with that in mind, I forgot to make it very clear that I have met and become friends with a few people through OKCupid. I focused instead on the bad experiences and the (to me) obvious reasons why I so often attracted unwanted attention, negative attention, or no attention at all.
That was unfair to the women I met who have become my friends and whom I care about very much. They didn’t work out as romantic partners, but they are amazing people. So, I’d like to apologize to each of you out there. I am sorry.
When I talk about bad experiences, awkward dates, or other complaints about my time exploring online dating, I’m not talking about those amazing people. That said, meeting and interacting with people like them was uncommon at best.
That embarrassing chunk of profile from last time? Yeah, that was just a very small part of something so much longer.
Could it get worse than that? Yes.
Did it? Also, yes.
WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
I moved to LA at the end of August of 2012 to further pursue acting and writing. I have been very lucky to only do those two things for work since I’ve been here.
Really though, what I am doing with my life is spending a lot of time reading, watching Netflix, looking at the Internet, wishing I had pizza to eat, defending the usefulness of the Oxford Comma, and trying to think of funny things to tweet. (I am pretty successful at all of those things.)
I am trying to go for walks more. The Iliad Bookstore is only a couple blocks away from where I live. (Luckily they have couches so I can rest before making the grueling ten minute walk back home.)
I’d like to travel more. I’ve been to a few places in Europe, like cities in Germany, Italy, Belgium, the Netherlands, and the Czech Republic. I also studied Theatre and English Literature in London for a semester. I’d love to go back to any of these places and see some new cities, too (like China).
I also spend a significant amount of time trying to find more excuses to write Q/A style FAQ because I find it very easy to write comedy in that format.
A: No, not really. That was only a setup for this one joke.
I wrote much of this small section with a few ideas very present in my mind. First, I had read somewhere that you were more likely to attract messages if you mentioned traveling. I do love traveling, so I thought I’d include that.
I probably didn’t need to list every country I’ve ever been to as if I had just come down with a mystery disease and a crack team of doctors specializing in diagnostics were collecting information from me to determine whether or not it’s lupus.
Something is definitely wrong with me. It’s not lupus.
I had also read that expressing interest in things like fitness and reading were good ideas. I didn’t want to lie, so I didn’t, but I forgot that dry humor doesn’t always play well in text. I can’t tell you how many outraged messages I received regarding the fact that I can’t handle a ten minute walk.
Wait a minute, yes I can. It was one. I received one short, angry message from a woman who more or less said “you’re what’s wrong with this country.” I told her I was joking. She told me I wasn’t funny.
In retrospect, I think she made some pretty accurate statements about me, but for the wrong reasons.
The last thing I had read about online dating (well, dating in general) is that people like people who are funny. I tried to show my sense of humor.
I think the only problem with doing that was I succeeded.
See you space cowboy…
It does not matter how slowly you line up your avatar with the top hat, as long as you do not stop.
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile"
Some of you may remember that rather than hard drugs or sexual fluidity like all the cool kids who come to LA, I recently decided to experiment with online dating.
I wouldn’t call the experiment a failure… but it’s definitely over.
Now that I’ve deleted my profile, I thought I’d share all the revealing personal information that would have allowed you to find it and stalk me. More importantly, I’ve decided to post a few fragments of my profile, so you can laugh at me and all of the very obvious reasons I am undatable.
Also, I think I’m funny and you have to be at least a little bit delusional to write this kind of blog, so why not? Right?
Yes. The image I’ve made for this series uses an actual screenshot from my now dead profile. That was really the picture I lead with. I know. No, really, I know. In the immortal words of Mike Birbiglia, “I am in the future also.”
I mean, why would anyone think a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer with a weird stalker smile on my face wouldn’t produce unimaginable success in online romance? Even now, I can hear the muffled sound of panties hitting the floor in the distance.
Really though, here’s a tip. If you ever try online dating, when you choose your profile picture, don’t use a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer… Trust me.
And yes. I really did choose a username that references my blog (again, the muffled sounds in the distance…). For all of you anonymous followers I’ve been dodging or altogether ignoring for the last two or more years, you have finally have a clear answer about how old I am. By Tumblr standards, I’m that kid who graduated college two years ago, moved back in with his parents, and still shows up at his old high school’s basketball games, drunk.
So, what if you somehow accidentally clicked on my profile image when your eyes rolled back and you fell into a shark-like frenzy at the sight of 4EvaABronelyNiceGuy69's profile picture, featuring a waist-up bathroom selfie of him in nothing but his neck beard and fedora? Well, you would have found my introduction and that read a little something (exactly) like this…
As you read this profile, if it’s in parentheses (like this), it’s probably sarcastic, ironic, and/or a joke (or is it?) (yes, it is).
This profile is so long because I had a lot of time on my hands one afternoon and entertained myself by writing it. I often add and sometimes remove pieces. Sometimes I will bold the most recent additions. (Like this?) (No, like this.)
I am a vegetarian that hates salad, but only on principle. I can say (or sing, if you’d prefer) the alphabet backward. I can also solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than four minutes. I played ice hockey for about 12 years starting when I was four years old. I can still skate better than I can walk (partially because I am very bad at walking—no one ever taught me, I had to learn on my own).
I don’t like to describe myself, I’m a feminist who wishes it wasn’t something you had to say about yourself or explain what it means and why you are one, and if pizza were I person, I wouldn’t need to be on this site.
My favorite kind of word is a contranym. My favorite word (and literary device) is synecdoche.
I really dislike cliches and overused idioms. If you say a cliche to me and it rhymes, or worse, it’s a pun, I might stop talking to you forever. (Seriously.)
I am also an actor and a writer, I love ice hockey, pizza, Spotify, and Arthur C. Clarke. I grew up in Rhode Island and lived there for the first 23 years of my life. I don’t have a Rhode Island accent. I do love coffee milk.
One last time, because I love this joke and because it is very appropriate, I know. I’m in the future also.
See you next time.
So this post was inspired by finding this cool website called The Collectionary—specifically the anime section. If you haven’t heard of it, go put your eyeballs to it.
Basically the Collectionary is a Dictionary of everything in the world that people collect. Collection + Dictionary = Collectionary. If you’re a grammarist and you have a problem with that, let me politely remind you that the most of the history of the English language is made up of taking words and mushing them together. Moving on…
Point is, this place is cool, I like it, and I think maybe you all everybody will like it, too. If you’re not particularly into anime, there are also cool other things to look at. The anime section is just one out of hundreds of different Collectionaries that range from hair clippings to astronaut foods. Actually, I just made both of those things up. I doubt they’re on that site. Then again, I didn’t check so if you’re into people fur or tang, maybe give it a look anyway.
Okay. Bye and stuff.
Sometimes I take consumer surveys for rewards. In one recent survey, I had to watch a beer ad and then answer questions about it. It doesn’t matter what I write, I get the points anyway, so sometimes I like to troll the companies running these stupid programs…
I hit the text limit and didn’t get to submit my full response, but here’s what I wanted to write.
Please describe the ad you just watched, from beginning to end, in detail, including everything you saw and heard.
Music plays as we fade in. White text over black and white images. Why are we filming from inside a moving car? Because the night is just beginning, obviously. Get with the program, dumbass.
Now we’re at a bar. We don’t see the hot, tattooed bartender’s face, but she has tattoos on her hands. Rack focus from the beers she’s handing to no one to the tattoos. Yeah, she’s edgy and cool. The tattoos on her hands tell us she doesn’t conform to society’s standards about anything. She’s a rebel, so she’ll probably have really hot sex with us if we use whatever this ad is selling, which at this point might be black and white film. Who knows? Maybe I should have read that title at the beginning of the ad, but I’m watching TV. I’m not here to read.
Oh right and there’s some unidentifiable song playing. It may have been released yesterday, it may have been released in 1948. That’s what’s so cool about it; it lets you be nostalgic about something you were never part of. You’re going to lure in a lot of entry-level hipsters with that.
I am about to reach the text limit and I didn’t even get to the weird looking bouncer who wags his finger at the camera. Why does he do that? Why is he breaking the fourth wall? Is he wagging his finger at me? And then there are some chefs drinking in the kitchen. Why aren’t they cooking? Why are they drinking at work? That seems irresponsible at best. Why are they breaking the fourth wall, too? One just nodded at me. I don’t know this guy. What the fuck?
At some point a pretty blonde lady is walking in front of the camera and then she looks back as if to say, “Let’s have sex, but only if you buy ____.” I think she was the first one to break the fourth wall. Then there is a guy in a trilby and a scarf sitting between two women in a booth. His arms are behind them, but he’s not touching them, so it just kind of makes him look like a bird who is surprised to find two, small, blonde women under his wings.
What is this ad selling, again? Is it trying to tell me about open enrollment at New York Film Academy?
Then we cut to a very pretty guy who looks like he’s from Denmark maybe and a pretty girl (also from Denmark, I suspect) kissing on a dance floor while a bunch of idiots jump up and down behind them. I say they’re idiots, because they’re all holding beers and jumping up and down. If I have to explain why that’s idiotic, I’m not sure you belong in the selling beer industry.
This should be the end of the commercial, but it isn’t. Instead it continues on inexplicably for another fifteen seconds, like a guy who has already reached climax, but it’s his first time having sex with this woman and he really wants to impress her with an extra quarter-minute of semi-flaccid effort.
At any rate, the ad continues, showing images that are entirely irrelevant to the themes established thus far, which would have been a welcome change if the images weren’t just as uninteresting and confusing as all those that came before.
Next, we watch as some man commits an act of vandalism by spray painting one of those roll-down barriers outside a closed New York City store. I don’t call it vandalism because it’s graffiti, but because it’s shitty and this ad is clearly trying to make me party to everything that is shown and I won’t have it.
Some other bullshit is shown that I am thankful I don’t remember and then there’s more text on the screen that says something like, “you’re only a sad, boring loser who no one likes and you’ll never have sex with women or be allowed into cool clubs… until you drink our beer in public” (I may have paraphrased).
Then, after a long black and white commercial, it shows a full color picture of a beer bottle over a nondescript black and white city street at night. It reminded me vaguely of Schindler’s List, which is a bold move, associating your beer with an Oscar-winning film.
If I had to watch this ad every seven minutes on TV, it would probably drive me to drinking, so in that sense, it’s a success. On the other hand, out of spite, I would sooner drink fermented toilet water than your beer, so in a way it’s also not a success at all.
Okay, I admit it. A few days ago, I made an OKCupid account because of reasons (that we don’t have to talk about). I’ve never had luck with online dating, but this time something different is happening.
Normally, I don’t like writing or talking much about myself. However, in a dating profile, you absolutely must talk about yourself—the more, the better! So I went for it. I wrote about myself and I wrote way too much. I keep adding little bits as I go. I didn’t hold back or hide tiny nuggets of information behind layer after layer of sarcasm and/or apathy. It was surprisingly freeing to write and… I’m having a lot of fun.
It almost makes me feel bad that I’ve shamed myself out of making that kind of profile, describing myself that way for so long. I had a traumatic experience one time, looking back at a Yahoo Geocities website I had made for myself when I was only a couple years younger. The embarrassment I felt still keeps me up most nights.
It still makes me a little uncomfortable to dedicate hundreds of words to describing myself, my thoughts, what I like and dislike, but I feel like an online dating profile is the appropriate place to do that sort of thing. Anyway, I got a date out of it. (Wish me luck.)