"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 11 - The End…"
I’ve really been hesitant to write and post the final entry in this series. It’s not that I’m being over-sentimental (though, I am frequently that about many things… such as novelty loofas), I just wasn’t sure how to wrap it up. I think I’ve figured it out.
My experience using OKCupid was at times strange, at times upsetting, and at times uniquely uncomfortable… but it wasn’t all bad.
YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
…if you live within about 10 miles and have pizza to share with me.
Seriously, it’s really unlikely that I’ll message you because it feels a lot like approaching women in public and as I understand it, that can be a really uncomfortable experience for a woman, particularly when the attention isn’t wanted, so I try not to do it.
I am not looking for someone exactly like me. I’m looking for someone to share things with.
- - -
I just realized these kind of profiles usually have some a place to describe what you’re looking for, so I guess this is that place maybe?
I have noticed that some things I find attractive in women include braided hair, eyes darker than black holes, the ability to beat me up using some kind of martial arts training, being vegetarian or vegan, liking hockey as much or more than I do, a need to produce things and create—not necessarily art, speaking multiple languages, knowing way more than I do about nature and/or animals (which isn’t very difficult), being Canadian, spending a lot of time being sarcastic on the Internet, having nice shoelaces that they stole from the President, a big mouth and a small chin, and big teeth.
So I guess you should message me if you have any or all of those things going for you, too.
I don’t know exactly what I am looking for and really, I think it’s better that way. I don’t intend on planning out my next relationship, though, obviously, I am looking for one.
(I am not interested in anyone from Philadelphia. I have my reasons.)
I had some odd online interactions through OKC, but I mostly met nice people who I liked a lot. I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually made a few great friends—people I am very lucky to have in my life.
Usually, when I’d meet someone from the site, we’d fairly quickly discover we were just looking for different things or there just didn’t happen to be much of any kind of attraction between us, which was disappointing, but there’s nothing wrong with that.
Still, I deleted my profile in frustration at my lack of success. I thought, during my time on OKC and for a long time after that there was just something off about the sort of people drawn to use that site… conveniently ignoring that fact that I was a person who had been drawn to use that site. I thought maybe it was just particularly difficult to date in LA (I still think it is, but that wasn’t the real problem).
Later, I thought maybe I would have had more success if I had only written a better profile with shorter (read: no) lists of anime that I like and less self-referential humor, or maybe if I had answered more survey questions, posted better pictures, and overall, spent more time committed to finding dates. I thought I would have had better success if only the women on the site had done the same (except the part about anime lists).
“It’s not you, it’s me” is such a terrible cliché and every day, I try to remember one of the best notes a director ever gave me: “It’s not about you, Chris.” Well, normally, no, it’s not about me. This time, it was.
The truth is, I was lonely, but I wasn’t ready.
OkCupid was a bad idea. Dating was a bad idea.
It’s never a good idea to go looking for love because you’re lonely. You’ll only end up disappointed. Trying to treat loneliness with dating is like trying to treat hunger with gum. Sure, it’s distracting, but you’re just going to end up angry at yourself, angry at the gum, and you’re still going to have to go to bed watching Bob’s Burgers alone at night, so what even was the point?
At that time, I didn’t really want to meet someone and begin a serious relationship with them. No, I don’t mean I was just looking for casual sex, I mean, deep down I didn’t really want to fall for someone or start sharing parts of my life with another person. I didn’t even really want to go out on regular dates with someone. I just wanted to stop feeling so… whatever it was I was feeling all the time.
Maybe now it would be different, but how can you ever know for sure that you’re ready? Regardless, at this point I’m more interesting in pursuing my interests and passions. I think that will more likely lead me to someone who is perfect for me than a dating site, anyway.
Wish me luck. (I’ll need it.)
A person can change at the moment when the person wishes to change.
Tonight, I took Chris w/ me to the #YouTubeSpaceLA luau. He won an eating contest, we saw fire dancers, and everyone got lei’d. #YouTube #Microbrien #me #luau #fire
Thanks for inviting me, Michael! It was a good time!
To everyone else out there… Protip: never eat any poi. Not ever. Especially don’t eat about 6 measured cups of it in 6 minutes…
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 10"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
This is the only section I will edit (by omission only) significantly.
Originally I wrote a good amount in the next section of my profile about post-concussion syndrome. I very probably have it, though I have not been diagnosed.
Actually, I am really confident I have PCS because (in addition to other concussions) once, while playing hockey, I hit my head really hard, blacked out, thought I was dreaming for the next eleven minutes even though I was very awake, and experienced temporary memory loss.
I still have some memory issues today. I’ll often forget the details of conversations and I tend to have a very hard time remembering the details of conversations I have via text (e-mail, IM, text messaging, etc).
Yes, this is a very convenient excuse when I happen to just not pay attention to what people say. However, maybe the fact I’m so easily distracted by bright lights and a lot of movement is also a symptom of PCS, so who’s really to blame here?
That said, I’m also aware that part of my memory problem is due to insecurity that I might have a bad memory problem… it’s frustrating to say the least.
On the other hand, my concussions gave me this cool thing where in my eyes, one pupil is always more dilated than the other which I think is awesome, so it’s kind of a fair trade.
THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT
I don’t really like sleeping alone.
You’re the one acting like a lunatic!
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 9"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
We’re quickly approaching the end of my profile. Some of you may be wondering why I gave up on online dating. Actually, I know for a fact more than a few of you are wondering that because you’ve sent me messages asking as much.
Well, the answer to that is hidden in every post of this series. No, it’s not the anime references.
Can’t figure it out? You’ll know by the end… because I’m going to write it explicitly, in very plain words in the last post of this series.
The first sentence is more accurately “What I wish I was doing every Friday night in a magical fantasy world where I make enough money to have a savings account.”
The second sentence is “What I am really actually doing every Friday night” except I left out the part where I’m cooking the food alone and eating it in my poorly-lit little bedroom while looking at Twitter.
This section of my profile, unsurprisingly, impressed or upset absolutely no one.
It’s called being prepared, you idiot! Instead of complaining, you should be applauding my professionalism!
Did you forget about this? I almost did! (Not really… okay, kinda.)
Once again, thanks to all of you followers. I love you all a lot! Also, thank you to everyone who liked, reblobbed, and commented on this post. I love you extra a lot!
I wish I could have sent all of this to all of you, but the lucky person who will be getting all the everything listed below is…
Everyone else, thank you again. If you are very, very bummed that you won’t be getting all of the very cool things that Lisa will soon be building a dream-board out of, don’t bum for long! It’s all now available in my brand new Chris Writes Good Shop!
If you buy something, I’ll think about you later when I’m cooking dinner. Seriously. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
I love you all!
*ANYONE WHO REBLOGS THIS PHOTO WILL BE ELIGIBLE TO BE RANDOMLY PICKED FOR A FREE-GIFT FROM ME!*
Thank you all so much!
It’s taken a little over two years and I’m sure I’ll lose a follower or two as soon as I post this, but 3,000 followers has been a milestone that I’ve been working toward for a while. It’s an important one for me and I’d like to celebrate it!
So, again… ANYONE WHO REBLOBS THIS PHOTO WILL BE ELIGIBLE TO BE RANDOMLY PICKED FOR A FREE-GIFT FROM ME!
That’s right. If you reblob this photo between now and May 10th, there is a chance I will randomly select you to be sent a little pack of gifts from me!
What will you get if I pick you? Well, some of you may remember I attended Long Beach Comic Con last fall. I still have a lot of that merchandise left and I’ve been wondering what to do with it. This seems like a good start!
The person I pick will be sent:
My sampler, including work from this blog as well as the comics at FullPIckle.com.
This “Make Pastapizza” magnet.
And all of the following post-cards…
Just to recap, that’s 1 sampler, 1 magnet, and all 11 post-cards!
Also, all of these items are sweet, vintage, limited variants because they all have the “chriswritesdaily.com” watermarks that I used before changing the blog title… so you can brag to all your friends who have never heard of me that you have super-secret special edition versions of everything!
I will also sign and personalize the sampler book if you like!
So get reblobbing! Yes, you can reblob as many times as you like. Yes, I will ship internationally if you’re worried because you’re from Canada. Yes, you can reblob this even if you’re not interested in getting all the stuff.
Thank you again and good luck!
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 8"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
I fully realize that to this point, I’ve been harder on myself than I deserve. My profile has been a little odd, maybe a bit wordy, but it hasn’t been that bad.
I’m not just writing this because I’ve received a lot of very nice, reassuring messages (far more than I’ve responded to publicly, in fact—thank you all!), but because I think it really is true.
Just like I’ve over-emphasized my negative experience on OKCupid, because, let’s face it, reading about how I got harassed by people who seemed to have only recently learned English and did so exclusively by reading text messages from 2002 by middle-schoolers is a lot funnier than reading about the time I met an amazing person who brought me beer, pizza, and M&Ms and took me to the beach at night to enjoy them all for our first date (I know—I should have proposed to her then and there, but we did become very good friends), I have emphasized how dumb and ridiculous my profile is at times, because, again, let’s face it, it usually is, despite how endearing some people may find it anyway.
That was a very long sentence.
So, yes, I realize my profile wasn’t all that bad. Really, in comparison to most of the men on OKC I’ve seen screen-capped on various “OMGWHYOKCupid” blogs, the first seven installments of this series have me looking very datable!
And then came the most embarrassing section yet…
Why would I write any of this in a dating profile? Who did I think would want to read this? Who did I expect to find this attractive?
The science-y stuff is kind of wrong and when it’s right, it’s barely right, and the other stuff is way too complicated (and/or depressing) to ever think it was a good idea to include in an online dating profile. Literally the only person who might read this section and begin imagining me as a sexy astronaut is a female Neil deGrasse Tyson and though there is probably a Universe in which Neil is a woman, we don’t happen to live in it (much to my dismay).
Quick reminder in case you forgot or just didn’t read my earlier entries, I used parentheses in my profile as way to make it obvious when I was joking…
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
The inevitable heat-death of the Universe, recent discoveries in science regarding the possibility that not only is our Universe a simulation being run by a supercomputer in a much larger Universe, but that there are almost definitely infinite other Universes and so, really, we should be calling it a “Multiverse,” and the near-proof that our Verse is a 3D hologram projected from a 2D image.
I also think about perfectly made Dark and Stormies, various social/political/economic inequalities and what I can do to help solve these problems (specifically, ways to solves said problems that might involve eating and sharing pizza), and working on whatever script I’m currently supposed to be working on.
The idea that free will is a convenient way of communicating about events, but is an illusion—which isn’t an argument in favor of fate or even determinism, just an admission that every circumstance of one’s life, including a person’s own thoughts, are desperately out of their control; our thoughts and decision-making minds are downstream of a multitude of influences, some knowable but most not, and thus, we are not the conscious authors of any of our actions. Every human being is a force of nature.
I try to be as strict as I can about it (as to be as inconvenient as possible to friends and family). I don’t buy cheese or dairy for use at home, though sometimes I overlook that when it’s an ingredient in processed food. I will have dairy sometimes when out to eat, though I usually avoid it if there are other options. I only buy certified free-range eggs to eat at home, if and when I buy them at all, which is rare. If possible, I buy local eggs.
I don’t buy leather or other animal products, though I do own some leather products that were bought before I went vegetarian or given to me by well meaning people who weren’t thinking about it. Anyway, I have them now so I think it’s better to use these products rather than waste them.
I think it is important to do your best and I don’t think it is possible to be flawlessly vegetarian. (Only a Sith deals in absolutes.) What is important to me is that I am doing as much as I can, given my abilities and (currently depressing) financial state, to reduce demands and change the culture surrounding the consumption of animal products.
…and by extension, a lot of other things.
I think there is a scientific basis for an objective, Universal morality. I have a serious distaste for moral absolutism and moral absolutists (almost as bad as my distaste for overusing parenthetical statements). I have a deep admiration and respect for Buddhists/ Buddhism. I think a lot about the overall happiness I feel in regard to being an atheist.
…and again, by extension, a lot of other things.
I don’t always know how best to be a white, male, cis-sexual, heterosexual, middle-class, American male as a feminist and someone who believes deeply in gender equality and marriage equality, but that’s not nearly as challenging as not having the privileges that come with any one of those things, so I shut up about it and do my best.
Will you declare… Koi-Koi?
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 7"
Really, Chris? A Love Actually reference? I don’t even…
Looking back, there are a few areas of my profile I’d edit if I were going to do it again.
First, I’d shorten it. Significantly. After all, it’s not like profile length correlates directly to penis length. It’s just a coincidence in my case.
Obviously I’m kidding.
Am I? No, I am.
If I were a woman and I came across this profile, I’d probably see the massive wall of text, assume this is a man who spends Saturday nights writing Amazon reviews for fun, or that he thinks profile length is a reflection of penis length, or worse, that saying as much would be a funny joke, and I’d quickly move on.
If I were a man… I mean, I am a man, but if I were me… I mean if I were browsing and I found a woman who had a profile of similar length, I don’t know that I’d be interested in reading the whole thing, so can I really blame anyone for skipping over mine?
I’d also edit the section in the picture above. I thought that I put a lot of thought into my answers, but I thought wrong. If I were re-writing it now, it would probably look something like this:
4. Don’t judge me
5. You know nothing
6. Jon Snow
On second thought… maybe it’s fine how it is.
Ugh, I smell like a human.
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 6"
I received hate mail. On OKCupid. I didn’t get it often, but I did get it. The worst I got was usually either friendly but backhanded, or just confusing.
"You’re not too bad looking for someone so weird."
"I thought your profile was awful, but I was wondering was it a joke? If it is I think I still want to meet up."
"I bet your a fucking furry."
"I’m not interested in taking anyone’s virginity."
"You remind me of my ex boyfriend. That’s not a compliment."
The message shown above, from “Tinythesbian” was probably the worst I ever received, but there were others that I didn’t think to save at the time. I ignored them and deleted them, which I thought was smart, because, you know… don’t feed the trolls and all that.
Apparently on dating websites, that doesn’t work. The trolls feed themselves.
Still, I don’t think I was asking for it…
Okay, maybe I asked for it…
FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, AND FOOD
- The Songs of Distant Earth - Arthur C. Clarke
- The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
- The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
- Harry Potter - J K Rowling
- The Samurai’s Garden - Gail Tsukyama
- 1984 - George Orwell
- Three Uses of the Knife - David Mamet
- Anthem - Ayn Rand
- Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut
- Real Ultimate Power - Robert Hamburger
- Mean Girls
- Shaun of the Dead (/Cornetto Trilogy)
- Le Dîner de Cons
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
- Back to the Future
- Close Encounters of the Third Kind
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
- The Protector (TONY JAAAAAA)
- Princess Mononoke
- Pacific Rim
- Arrested Development
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
- Game of Thrones
- Flight of the Conchords
- Top Gear
- 30 Rock
- Parks and Rec
Just Animated Shows (because I like a lot)
- Adventure Time
- Home Movies
- Bob’s Burgers
- Fullmetal Alchemist
- Venture Bros.
- Avatar: TLA / The Legend of Korra
- The Mountain Goats*
- Neutral Milk Hotel
- The Beatles
- Arcade Fire
- Daft Punk
- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Shannon and the Clams
- Brown Bird
- La Roux
- Against Me!
*but really though, The Mountain Goats
- Knights of the Old Republic
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Turtles in Time
- SOCOM 2/3
- Diablo II/III
- Pokemon Snap
- Gratuitous Space Battles
- Pokemon Green
- Vegetarian Anything Fried
- Garlic Fries
- Buffalo Strips
- Potato Salad
Did I really need to make a top-ten list out of every category, adding “Video Games,” and “Just Animated Shows (because I like a lot),” even though they weren’t asked for? Did I have to put pizza twice? Did I have to write “pasta” in all caps with 16 As at the end?
Yes. Yes, I did… but I think that’s why I got the kind of messages I did.
Just who the hell do you think I am?