"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 11 - The End…"
I’ve really been hesitant to write and post the final entry in this series. It’s not that I’m being over-sentimental (though, I am frequently that about many things… such as novelty loofas), I just wasn’t sure how to wrap it up. I think I’ve figured it out.
My experience using OKCupid was at times strange, at times upsetting, and at times uniquely uncomfortable… but it wasn’t all bad.
YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
…if you live within about 10 miles and have pizza to share with me.
Seriously, it’s really unlikely that I’ll message you because it feels a lot like approaching women in public and as I understand it, that can be a really uncomfortable experience for a woman, particularly when the attention isn’t wanted, so I try not to do it.
I am not looking for someone exactly like me. I’m looking for someone to share things with.
- - -
I just realized these kind of profiles usually have some a place to describe what you’re looking for, so I guess this is that place maybe?
I have noticed that some things I find attractive in women include braided hair, eyes darker than black holes, the ability to beat me up using some kind of martial arts training, being vegetarian or vegan, liking hockey as much or more than I do, a need to produce things and create—not necessarily art, speaking multiple languages, knowing way more than I do about nature and/or animals (which isn’t very difficult), being Canadian, spending a lot of time being sarcastic on the Internet, having nice shoelaces that they stole from the President, a big mouth and a small chin, and big teeth.
So I guess you should message me if you have any or all of those things going for you, too.
I don’t know exactly what I am looking for and really, I think it’s better that way. I don’t intend on planning out my next relationship, though, obviously, I am looking for one.
(I am not interested in anyone from Philadelphia. I have my reasons.)
I had some odd online interactions through OKC, but I mostly met nice people who I liked a lot. I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually made a few great friends—people I am very lucky to have in my life.
Usually, when I’d meet someone from the site, we’d fairly quickly discover we were just looking for different things or there just didn’t happen to be much of any kind of attraction between us, which was disappointing, but there’s nothing wrong with that.
Still, I deleted my profile in frustration at my lack of success. I thought, during my time on OKC and for a long time after that there was just something off about the sort of people drawn to use that site… conveniently ignoring that fact that I was a person who had been drawn to use that site. I thought maybe it was just particularly difficult to date in LA (I still think it is, but that wasn’t the real problem).
Later, I thought maybe I would have had more success if I had only written a better profile with shorter (read: no) lists of anime that I like and less self-referential humor, or maybe if I had answered more survey questions, posted better pictures, and overall, spent more time committed to finding dates. I thought I would have had better success if only the women on the site had done the same (except the part about anime lists).
“It’s not you, it’s me” is such a terrible cliché and every day, I try to remember one of the best notes a director ever gave me: “It’s not about you, Chris.” Well, normally, no, it’s not about me. This time, it was.
The truth is, I was lonely, but I wasn’t ready.
OkCupid was a bad idea. Dating was a bad idea.
It’s never a good idea to go looking for love because you’re lonely. You’ll only end up disappointed. Trying to treat loneliness with dating is like trying to treat hunger with gum. Sure, it’s distracting, but you’re just going to end up angry at yourself, angry at the gum, and you’re still going to have to go to bed watching Bob’s Burgers alone at night, so what even was the point?
At that time, I didn’t really want to meet someone and begin a serious relationship with them. No, I don’t mean I was just looking for casual sex, I mean, deep down I didn’t really want to fall for someone or start sharing parts of my life with another person. I didn’t even really want to go out on regular dates with someone. I just wanted to stop feeling so… whatever it was I was feeling all the time.
Maybe now it would be different, but how can you ever know for sure that you’re ready? Regardless, at this point I’m more interesting in pursuing my interests and passions. I think that will more likely lead me to someone who is perfect for me than a dating site, anyway.
Wish me luck. (I’ll need it.)
A person can change at the moment when the person wishes to change.
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 10"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
This is the only section I will edit (by omission only) significantly.
Originally I wrote a good amount in the next section of my profile about post-concussion syndrome. I very probably have it, though I have not been diagnosed.
Actually, I am really confident I have PCS because (in addition to other concussions) once, while playing hockey, I hit my head really hard, blacked out, thought I was dreaming for the next eleven minutes even though I was very awake, and experienced temporary memory loss.
I still have some memory issues today. I’ll often forget the details of conversations and I tend to have a very hard time remembering the details of conversations I have via text (e-mail, IM, text messaging, etc).
Yes, this is a very convenient excuse when I happen to just not pay attention to what people say. However, maybe the fact I’m so easily distracted by bright lights and a lot of movement is also a symptom of PCS, so who’s really to blame here?
That said, I’m also aware that part of my memory problem is due to insecurity that I might have a bad memory problem… it’s frustrating to say the least.
On the other hand, my concussions gave me this cool thing where in my eyes, one pupil is always more dilated than the other which I think is awesome, so it’s kind of a fair trade.
THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT
I don’t really like sleeping alone.
You’re the one acting like a lunatic!
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 9"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
We’re quickly approaching the end of my profile. Some of you may be wondering why I gave up on online dating. Actually, I know for a fact more than a few of you are wondering that because you’ve sent me messages asking as much.
Well, the answer to that is hidden in every post of this series. No, it’s not the anime references.
Can’t figure it out? You’ll know by the end… because I’m going to write it explicitly, in very plain words in the last post of this series.
The first sentence is more accurately “What I wish I was doing every Friday night in a magical fantasy world where I make enough money to have a savings account.”
The second sentence is “What I am really actually doing every Friday night” except I left out the part where I’m cooking the food alone and eating it in my poorly-lit little bedroom while looking at Twitter.
This section of my profile, unsurprisingly, impressed or upset absolutely no one.
It’s called being prepared, you idiot! Instead of complaining, you should be applauding my professionalism!
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 8"
(to read all posts in this series, click here)
I fully realize that to this point, I’ve been harder on myself than I deserve. My profile has been a little odd, maybe a bit wordy, but it hasn’t been that bad.
I’m not just writing this because I’ve received a lot of very nice, reassuring messages (far more than I’ve responded to publicly, in fact—thank you all!), but because I think it really is true.
Just like I’ve over-emphasized my negative experience on OKCupid, because, let’s face it, reading about how I got harassed by people who seemed to have only recently learned English and did so exclusively by reading text messages from 2002 by middle-schoolers is a lot funnier than reading about the time I met an amazing person who brought me beer, pizza, and M&Ms and took me to the beach at night to enjoy them all for our first date (I know—I should have proposed to her then and there, but we did become very good friends), I have emphasized how dumb and ridiculous my profile is at times, because, again, let’s face it, it usually is, despite how endearing some people may find it anyway.
That was a very long sentence.
So, yes, I realize my profile wasn’t all that bad. Really, in comparison to most of the men on OKC I’ve seen screen-capped on various “OMGWHYOKCupid” blogs, the first seven installments of this series have me looking very datable!
And then came the most embarrassing section yet…
Why would I write any of this in a dating profile? Who did I think would want to read this? Who did I expect to find this attractive?
The science-y stuff is kind of wrong and when it’s right, it’s barely right, and the other stuff is way too complicated (and/or depressing) to ever think it was a good idea to include in an online dating profile. Literally the only person who might read this section and begin imagining me as a sexy astronaut is a female Neil deGrasse Tyson and though there is probably a Universe in which Neil is a woman, we don’t happen to live in it (much to my dismay).
Quick reminder in case you forgot or just didn’t read my earlier entries, I used parentheses in my profile as way to make it obvious when I was joking…
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
The inevitable heat-death of the Universe, recent discoveries in science regarding the possibility that not only is our Universe a simulation being run by a supercomputer in a much larger Universe, but that there are almost definitely infinite other Universes and so, really, we should be calling it a “Multiverse,” and the near-proof that our Verse is a 3D hologram projected from a 2D image.
I also think about perfectly made Dark and Stormies, various social/political/economic inequalities and what I can do to help solve these problems (specifically, ways to solves said problems that might involve eating and sharing pizza), and working on whatever script I’m currently supposed to be working on.
The idea that free will is a convenient way of communicating about events, but is an illusion—which isn’t an argument in favor of fate or even determinism, just an admission that every circumstance of one’s life, including a person’s own thoughts, are desperately out of their control; our thoughts and decision-making minds are downstream of a multitude of influences, some knowable but most not, and thus, we are not the conscious authors of any of our actions. Every human being is a force of nature.
I try to be as strict as I can about it (as to be as inconvenient as possible to friends and family). I don’t buy cheese or dairy for use at home, though sometimes I overlook that when it’s an ingredient in processed food. I will have dairy sometimes when out to eat, though I usually avoid it if there are other options. I only buy certified free-range eggs to eat at home, if and when I buy them at all, which is rare. If possible, I buy local eggs.
I don’t buy leather or other animal products, though I do own some leather products that were bought before I went vegetarian or given to me by well meaning people who weren’t thinking about it. Anyway, I have them now so I think it’s better to use these products rather than waste them.
I think it is important to do your best and I don’t think it is possible to be flawlessly vegetarian. (Only a Sith deals in absolutes.) What is important to me is that I am doing as much as I can, given my abilities and (currently depressing) financial state, to reduce demands and change the culture surrounding the consumption of animal products.
…and by extension, a lot of other things.
I think there is a scientific basis for an objective, Universal morality. I have a serious distaste for moral absolutism and moral absolutists (almost as bad as my distaste for overusing parenthetical statements). I have a deep admiration and respect for Buddhists/ Buddhism. I think a lot about the overall happiness I feel in regard to being an atheist.
…and again, by extension, a lot of other things.
I don’t always know how best to be a white, male, cis-sexual, heterosexual, middle-class, American male as a feminist and someone who believes deeply in gender equality and marriage equality, but that’s not nearly as challenging as not having the privileges that come with any one of those things, so I shut up about it and do my best.
Will you declare… Koi-Koi?
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 7"
Really, Chris? A Love Actually reference? I don’t even…
Looking back, there are a few areas of my profile I’d edit if I were going to do it again.
First, I’d shorten it. Significantly. After all, it’s not like profile length correlates directly to penis length. It’s just a coincidence in my case.
Obviously I’m kidding.
Am I? No, I am.
If I were a woman and I came across this profile, I’d probably see the massive wall of text, assume this is a man who spends Saturday nights writing Amazon reviews for fun, or that he thinks profile length is a reflection of penis length, or worse, that saying as much would be a funny joke, and I’d quickly move on.
If I were a man… I mean, I am a man, but if I were me… I mean if I were browsing and I found a woman who had a profile of similar length, I don’t know that I’d be interested in reading the whole thing, so can I really blame anyone for skipping over mine?
I’d also edit the section in the picture above. I thought that I put a lot of thought into my answers, but I thought wrong. If I were re-writing it now, it would probably look something like this:
4. Don’t judge me
5. You know nothing
6. Jon Snow
On second thought… maybe it’s fine how it is.
Ugh, I smell like a human.
ALL THE ANONS (AGAIN)!
I do. My favorite character is either Holy Roman Empire or Canada. Don’t worry about the hate dicks. It’s kind of a hazard of being alive.
Thanks! It is stupid. They are stupid. Lots of people in the world are stupid. Sounds like a them problem not a me problem, though. Oh well.
Go eat a bag of some kind of genitals you aren’t interested in eating.
While I reject the gender binary rubric, believe that sexuality is a wibbly-wobbly sexy-wexy mess, and would never deny (or feel shame about) experiencing any kind of attraction to any adult I was attracted to regardless of who they were, I have never been in a romantic relationship with someone of the same gender and I’ve never had romantic interest in a man.
Could I be attracted to a man? Why not? Have I met that man? No. Do I expect to, ever? Not really.
This is the most complete, honest answer I can give at the moment. It’s not meant to make you all…
Thanks very much! You actually sent this a while ago. Did you come back? The very next day? Like that cat from that one song or whatever?
Nope, you’re pretty much right about that series of posts. It’s also meant to mercilessly make fun of me, so it’s kind of multi-layered. Like a fancy dip… a smelly, fancy dip. Thanks for the nice words. What is your favorite kind of salad?
I appreciate that, but I’m not sorry I received a lot of negativity. It’s given me a lot to write about and most of the people who have sent me messages on Tumblr about it have been really nice. Like you. Thanks!
Is that smiley face or a bitty little dick?
If you are a robot (and based on your flawless sentence structure, I’m inclined to think you are), then I can honestly say, “it’s mutual.”
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 6"
I received hate mail. On OKCupid. I didn’t get it often, but I did get it. The worst I got was usually either friendly but backhanded, or just confusing.
"You’re not too bad looking for someone so weird."
"I thought your profile was awful, but I was wondering was it a joke? If it is I think I still want to meet up."
"I bet your a fucking furry."
"I’m not interested in taking anyone’s virginity."
"You remind me of my ex boyfriend. That’s not a compliment."
The message shown above, from “Tinythesbian” was probably the worst I ever received, but there were others that I didn’t think to save at the time. I ignored them and deleted them, which I thought was smart, because, you know… don’t feed the trolls and all that.
Apparently on dating websites, that doesn’t work. The trolls feed themselves.
Still, I don’t think I was asking for it…
Okay, maybe I asked for it…
FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, AND FOOD
- The Songs of Distant Earth - Arthur C. Clarke
- The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
- The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
- Harry Potter - J K Rowling
- The Samurai’s Garden - Gail Tsukyama
- 1984 - George Orwell
- Three Uses of the Knife - David Mamet
- Anthem - Ayn Rand
- Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut
- Real Ultimate Power - Robert Hamburger
- Mean Girls
- Shaun of the Dead (/Cornetto Trilogy)
- Le Dîner de Cons
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
- Back to the Future
- Close Encounters of the Third Kind
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
- The Protector (TONY JAAAAAA)
- Princess Mononoke
- Pacific Rim
- Arrested Development
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
- Game of Thrones
- Flight of the Conchords
- Top Gear
- 30 Rock
- Parks and Rec
Just Animated Shows (because I like a lot)
- Adventure Time
- Home Movies
- Bob’s Burgers
- Fullmetal Alchemist
- Venture Bros.
- Avatar: TLA / The Legend of Korra
- The Mountain Goats*
- Neutral Milk Hotel
- The Beatles
- Arcade Fire
- Daft Punk
- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Shannon and the Clams
- Brown Bird
- La Roux
- Against Me!
*but really though, The Mountain Goats
- Knights of the Old Republic
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Turtles in Time
- SOCOM 2/3
- Diablo II/III
- Pokemon Snap
- Gratuitous Space Battles
- Pokemon Green
- Vegetarian Anything Fried
- Garlic Fries
- Buffalo Strips
- Potato Salad
Did I really need to make a top-ten list out of every category, adding “Video Games,” and “Just Animated Shows (because I like a lot),” even though they weren’t asked for? Did I have to put pizza twice? Did I have to write “pasta” in all caps with 16 As at the end?
Yes. Yes, I did… but I think that’s why I got the kind of messages I did.
Just who the hell do you think I am?
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 5"
This one, without comment…
THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME
That I am a happy person despite the fact that I probably need help dressing myself. (It’s tough. All of my clothes are from Target.)
I usually get comments about my eyes. They’re blue. They are pretty dark for blue eyes. (Incidentally, I have a hard time trusting people who also have empty, soulless blue eyes like I do.)
Also I am very nice to everyone, especially servers. (Statistically speaking, this is probably the first thing most people notice about me because most of the human beings I interact with are servers.)
I am a vegetarian and it is very important to me.
Some thoughts on that though… I do not think that human beings aren’t supposed to eat meat. We’re omnivores. Some animal-based food is part of a “natural” (ugh… natural…) human diet, but not nearly in the amount people in the United States eat it and certainly not the way it is produced here. If you think eating beef four to eight times per week is healthier than eating no meat at all, I’m not sure we’ll get along.
I am also an atheist and it is very important to me. It may technically be more accurate to call me agnostic and I really dislike the term “atheist” anyway—I agree with Sam Harris’ feelings about it. (Maybe I’m an anti-theist?)
Last for this section, I am a feminist and that as well as both gender and marriage equality are very important to me. (Almost as important as pizza with buffalo sauce on top.)
Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 4"
I don’t like it when people describe themselves. I don’t mean physical appearance, though if we’re currently looking at each other, I’d find it similarly uncomfortable and also why are you telling me what you look like? I’m capable of looking at your braids. Yes, thank you for wearing braids.
I really like braids. …like a lot, though. That’s another story.
No, I mean that thing where sometimes you meet someone and the only point of reference they have for talking about anything in the Universe is themselves. If I have a conversation with you and most of the sentences you say begin with the phrase, “I’m the type of person who…” I will probably fake a sudden intense interest in arranging and the rearranging silverware until you stop talking about yourself long enough that I can ask you what your philosophy on dish racks is. Handles up or handles down?
Choose wisely, braided lady.
Not really. That would be rude. I’d never ask a woman out on a date, just to question her about how she dries her spoons. I’d have screened her in advance to make sure she knew the correct method. (Handles down.)
Okay, so I’m being unfair. Obviously a little of this in a conversation is fine. I’d still rather hear you talk about ideas than yourself. The former will tell me all I need to know about the latter.
It also makes me uncomfortable when someone says to me, “So, tell me about yourself.” It’s not that I don’t like talking about myself at all. I think most people do, to a degree. I just don’t know how to answer that question. Are you asking for stats? Do you want a list of my skills?
I am 5’11”. I am bad at making small talk. I am good at figuring out a 20% tip. I own a french press.
Well… here’s how I answered essentially that question in my profile.
I’M REALLY GOOD AT
I’m a stellar procrastinator. I am fantastic at finding excuses to stay in the shower (such as, “I spend so much time sitting, it really is good to do little extra standing”). I am really great at knowing just one or two words in six or seven languages.
I can correctly use the word whom and I can spell necessary, restaurant, and facetious correctly on the first try without using Google.
I am so good at analogies, I am like an analogy making robot that only makes really good analogies and… stuff…
I know that it is “backward,” not “backwards,” unless you’re in the U.K., in which case it is contextual. “Backward” is an adjective, “backwards” is an adverb. (Also, I know what an adverb is.)
I am great at not pluralizing acronyms and other abbreviations of phrases. (GPS, not GPSes. RBI not RBIs. ATM not ATMs or worse, ATM machines or double worse, ATMs machines.)
I’m really good at chugging water with my mouth open, which I tend to think is a cooler party trick than it actually is.
I am great at ice skating. Did you read the part way up at the top where I played ice hockey for 12 years?
I am really good at using “their” as a gender-neutral third person pronoun because it is easier than writing out “his or her” and also doesn’t require inventing a new word. More importantly, it is inclusive to all people, some who are gender fluid, identify as another gender altogether, or may not identify as any one gender at all. I think the fact that “their” is supposed be plural actually points to this inclusion nicely, even if I am technically breaking plural agreement sometimes or whatever.
I am great at saying “grille” instead of “girl,” as in, “You’re adorable, grille and I love it when we eat borkfast in bread together.”
I guess I am okay at acting and writing, too. At least I am good at writing a lot. More importantly, I make a killer playlist on Spotify, which I think is far more useful, day-to-day.
So… who wants to eat borkfast in bread together?
Draw a circle, that’s the Earth!
"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 3"
For all the very obvious problems with my profile, I did one thing well; I was honest.
Yes, sometimes I wrote strange, unnecessary jokes, described myself in confusing terms, and wrote in a style that even Stephen Fry would find dry and difficult to approach… but I was always honest.
So, I found it very confusing when I’d receive messages from people who very neatly fit into a description of exactly the sort of person I don’t think I could ever date…
Yet, this happened. Repeatedly. Why?
Along with wordy, difficult to approach descriptions of myself, basic statistics about me were also prominently featured under my poorly chosen username and avatar. These are standard in most online dating profiles—the statistics, not the username and avatar. Actually, you know what? No. All of it is standard.
My statistics-bearing sidebar looked like this:
Okay, so most of the information there is inert. However, there are two very important points which I also brought up in other areas of my profile (areas I’ve yet to share with you).
First: I’m a strict vegetarian.
Second: I’m an atheist… for lack of a better or more accurate descriptor.
No, this doesn’t mean I was looking for a partner to go dancing naked with me at convents, lobbing kale salad through the dorm windows of sleeping nuns, but I thought it was at least implied that if you call yourself a “Christian Carnivore” in your profile… we’re probably not compatible.
The Christian Carnivores tended to disagree. They’d usually become very angry with me when I turned down offers to go on a Sunday afternoon date to eat the best burger in LA “…and order it so rare that it’s dripping!”
It’s fine that there are a lot of people in the world who want to go to church on Sundays and eat nearly raw meat after, I’m just not particularly interested in dating those people.
It isn’t that I would deny developing feelings or the emergence of a healthy relationship that had amazing potential for life-long happiness with a person who was religious, ate meat, or both… but generally speaking, my lifestyle choices would be as much or more a problem for them as theirs would be for me.
And if you’re going through all the trouble of setting up an online dating profile and navigating the very awkward and uncomfortable process of meeting and dating strangers you found on the web (an endeavor not entirely unlike trying to eat hot soup with your bare hands without spilling), wouldn’t you want to avoid dates with people you seem to have nothing in common with?
I mean, it’s one thing to disagree about your favorite video game. It’s another thing entirely to disagree about your basic understanding of the Universe and human beings’ place in it.
This world is made of love and peace…