2,001 Ways To Be The Coolest: Don’t Finish What You Order
Go to a restaurant. Order whatever looks like a lot of food. Eat a little bit. Pay. Leave.
Starving kids in Cambodia? Homeless guy right outside the restaurant? Empty fridge at home? Don’t let any of this stop you from ordering a twenty-two dollar item and only eating seven french fries, four leaves of lettuce, and slightly less than half of your eggplant parm panini.
You’re basically saying you paid for the whole thing just because you wanted a taste. It’s kind of like buying a CD just to get the song you heard on the radio. When it’s music, it’s stupider than the word “stupider,” but if it’s food, you look like you give 0*(0+a)^a (if a = 0) fucks and nothing is cooler than roundabout problems that equal zero fucks.
Don’t finish your drink, either.
2,001 Ways To Be The Coolest: Tip #4
Tip #4: Don’t Smoke
It used to be cool to smoke. Then it stopped being cool because everyone realized how unhealthy it is, so a bunch of adult smokers forced the idea that not smoking is “cool” onto their children. Then it became cool again, because “whatever man, we’re all gonna die anyway.” Then it was uncool again because caring about your health became pretty much the coolest thing ever, just ask Richard Simmons. Then hipsters.
The thing is, even though it is sometimes cool to smoke, it’s always been cool to have good breath and great tasting spit, just ask Michaela Anderson from Mrs. Anderson’s homeroom when I was in ninth grade. She broke up with Mark Dennis, pretty much the coolest kid in the entire school because he had a convertible and it wasn’t a Chrysler Sebring—you could also see that he had a really big penis because he always wore skinny jeans, which apparently gave him a boner, which would normally make him not cool except he would always point it out and laugh about it before anyone could make fun of him and anyway he had like a nine inch penis so who was really going to make fun of that?—who was a Junior at the time, because his spit tasted bad.
So even though it’s sometimes cool to smoke, it is always cool not to smoke, because then girls will want to taste your spit.
2,001 Ways To Be The Coolest: Tip #3
Tip #3: Gender conformity is for the ’50s.
Want to go to the club with your boys, put your shoes in a pile, and dance in a circle all night? Put on a show for the ladies and verily will they come hither.
Going golfing, but you enjoy it more shooting from the “Women’s Tee?” Golf is fucking hard and fucking expensive. If you’re not enjoying it, you may as well skip to the part at the end in the club house where there’s over-priced drinks and under-cooked food.
That skirt looks comfortable? I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want more room and better air circulation around their junk in the Summer.
Like those “for girls” sunglasses? Wear them right on your penis.
You prefer to wear baggy, ripped jeans and flannel? Let’s party like it’s 1993 and we’re at a Nirvana concert.
Want to spend every Saturday night drinking Natty Light, eating Hot Fries, playing Halo, crapping Greek fire water, and farting pure death? Call all your best bros from college, order a three cheese pizza with extra extra cheese and buffalo sauce on the side for dipping, and make a party out of it.
Keep having this recurring dream where you are still female, but you also have this massive penis and you use it to knock over lamps and slap boys in the face who used to make fun of you for being a little chubby in grade school? Buy a silicone penis and live your dreams.
Like playing tackle football on Sunday afternoons in the park? Win every game—drinks are on the losers.
2,001 Ways To Be The Coolest: Tip #2
Tip #2: Only wear the tightest clothes possible.
Let me answer that question with another question: who is cooler, the Flash or MC Hammer? The Flash, because he’s fast and he wears the tightest pants known to man.
Who is cooler, Steven Tyler or a clown? Steven Tyler, because he wears tight pants.
Who is cooler, me in a size small shirt or me in a size large shirt? Me in a size small shirt, because it shows off my sweet boobs.
Who is cooler, the US Olympic Dive team, or a pedophile in a Tony the Tiger costume? The US Olympic Dive team because they wear tight undies which get even tighter when they get all wet after a dive.
See? Objectively speaking, the tighter your clothes are, the cooler you are.
2,001 Ways To Be The Coolest: Tip #1
Tip #1: Never smile.
Only happy people smile and cool people are never happy.
- Everything is boring or disappointing because there’s always something better going on someplace that you could have been if only you weren’t wasting your time here.
- That joke? Of course it wasn’t funny, you’ve heard it a million times and it was told better every one of the nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine times before.
- See someone you know in public, unexpectedly? …meh. Whatever.
- Taking a group picture with friends? You didn’t even notice there was a camera because everyone always wants to take pictures with you, so not only do you not smile, you’re not even looking in the direction of the camera.
Being cool means never having a good day. Happiness is for the weak. Good moods are for the Dalai Lama. Smiles are for babies. Good days are for drugged up hippies singing songs from The Brady Bunch.
If you want to be the coolest, you don’t have time for any of that.