Chris Writes Good

Apr 19

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 4"
I don’t like it when people describe themselves. I don’t mean physical appearance, though if we’re currently looking at each other, I’d find it similarly uncomfortable and also why are you telling me what you look like? I’m capable of looking at your braids. Yes, thank you for wearing braids.
I really like braids. …like a lot, though. That’s another story.
No, I mean that thing where sometimes you meet someone and the only point of reference they have for talking about anything in the Universe is themselves. If I have a conversation with you and most of the sentences you say begin with the phrase, “I’m the type of person who…” I will probably fake a sudden intense interest in arranging and the rearranging silverware until you stop talking about yourself long enough that I can ask you what your philosophy on dish racks is. Handles up or handles down?
Choose wisely, braided lady.
Not really. That would be rude. I’d never ask a woman out on a date, just to question her about how she dries her spoons. I’d have screened her in advance to make sure she knew the correct method. (Handles down.)
Okay, so I’m being unfair. Obviously a little of this in a conversation is fine. I’d still rather hear you talk about ideas than yourself. The former will tell me all I need to know about the latter.
It also makes me uncomfortable when someone says to me, “So, tell me about yourself.” It’s not that I don’t like talking about myself at all. I think most people do, to a degree. I just don’t know how to answer that question. Are you asking for stats? Do you want a list of my skills?
I am 5’11”. I am bad at making small talk. I am good at figuring out a 20% tip. I own a french press.
Part 4
Well… here’s how I answered essentially that question in my profile.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT
I’m a stellar procrastinator. I am fantastic at finding excuses to stay in the shower (such as, “I spend so much time sitting, it really is good to do little extra standing”). I am really great at knowing just one or two words in six or seven languages.
I can correctly use the word whom and I can spell necessary, restaurant, and facetious correctly on the first try without using Google.
I am so good at analogies, I am like an analogy making robot that only makes really good analogies and… stuff…
I know that it is “backward,” not “backwards,” unless you’re in the U.K., in which case it is contextual. “Backward” is an adjective, “backwards” is an adverb. (Also, I know what an adverb is.)
I am great at not pluralizing acronyms and other abbreviations of phrases. (GPS, not GPSes. RBI not RBIs. ATM not ATMs or worse, ATM machines or double worse, ATMs machines.)
I’m really good at chugging water with my mouth open, which I tend to think is a cooler party trick than it actually is.
I am great at ice skating. Did you read the part way up at the top where I played ice hockey for 12 years?
I am really good at using “their” as a gender-neutral third person pronoun because it is easier than writing out “his or her” and also doesn’t require inventing a new word. More importantly, it is inclusive to all people, some who are gender fluid, identify as another gender altogether, or may not identify as any one gender at all. I think the fact that “their” is supposed be plural actually points to this inclusion nicely, even if I am technically breaking plural agreement sometimes or whatever.
I am great at saying “grille” instead of “girl,” as in, “You’re adorable, grille and I love it when we eat borkfast in bread together.”
I guess I am okay at acting and writing, too. At least I am good at writing a lot. More importantly, I make a killer playlist on Spotify, which I think is far more useful, day-to-day.

So… who wants to eat borkfast in bread together?
Draw a circle, that’s the Earth!
- Chris

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 4"

I don’t like it when people describe themselves. I don’t mean physical appearance, though if we’re currently looking at each other, I’d find it similarly uncomfortable and also why are you telling me what you look like? I’m capable of looking at your braids. Yes, thank you for wearing braids.

I really like braids. …like a lot, though. That’s another story.

No, I mean that thing where sometimes you meet someone and the only point of reference they have for talking about anything in the Universe is themselves. If I have a conversation with you and most of the sentences you say begin with the phrase, “I’m the type of person who…” I will probably fake a sudden intense interest in arranging and the rearranging silverware until you stop talking about yourself long enough that I can ask you what your philosophy on dish racks is. Handles up or handles down?

Choose wisely, braided lady.

Not really. That would be rude. I’d never ask a woman out on a date, just to question her about how she dries her spoons. I’d have screened her in advance to make sure she knew the correct method. (Handles down.)

Okay, so I’m being unfair. Obviously a little of this in a conversation is fine. I’d still rather hear you talk about ideas than yourself. The former will tell me all I need to know about the latter.

It also makes me uncomfortable when someone says to me, “So, tell me about yourself.” It’s not that I don’t like talking about myself at all. I think most people do, to a degree. I just don’t know how to answer that question. Are you asking for stats? Do you want a list of my skills?

I am 5’11”. I am bad at making small talk. I am good at figuring out a 20% tip. I own a french press.

Part 4

Well… here’s how I answered essentially that question in my profile.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT

I’m a stellar procrastinator. I am fantastic at finding excuses to stay in the shower (such as, “I spend so much time sitting, it really is good to do little extra standing”). I am really great at knowing just one or two words in six or seven languages.

I can correctly use the word whom and I can spell necessary, restaurant, and facetious correctly on the first try without using Google.

I am so good at analogies, I am like an analogy making robot that only makes really good analogies and… stuff…

I know that it is “backward,” not “backwards,” unless you’re in the U.K., in which case it is contextual. “Backward” is an adjective, “backwards” is an adverb. (Also, I know what an adverb is.)

I am great at not pluralizing acronyms and other abbreviations of phrases. (GPS, not GPSes. RBI not RBIs. ATM not ATMs or worse, ATM machines or double worse, ATMs machines.)

I’m really good at chugging water with my mouth open, which I tend to think is a cooler party trick than it actually is.

I am great at ice skating. Did you read the part way up at the top where I played ice hockey for 12 years?

I am really good at using “their” as a gender-neutral third person pronoun because it is easier than writing out “his or her” and also doesn’t require inventing a new word. More importantly, it is inclusive to all people, some who are gender fluid, identify as another gender altogether, or may not identify as any one gender at all. I think the fact that “their” is supposed be plural actually points to this inclusion nicely, even if I am technically breaking plural agreement sometimes or whatever.

I am great at saying “grille” instead of “girl,” as in, “You’re adorable, grille and I love it when we eat borkfast in bread together.”

I guess I am okay at acting and writing, too. At least I am good at writing a lot. More importantly, I make a killer playlist on Spotify, which I think is far more useful, day-to-day.

So… who wants to eat borkfast in bread together?


Draw a circle, that’s the Earth!

- Chris

Apr 17

My New Job (No Really Though)

I have a new day job to help me afford to eat pizza while I try to make it as an actor and writer!

I am now the new… actually, why don’t I just copypasta the official introduction:

The Skybound family is very excited to welcome a new member! No, we’re not having babies… we recently brought in a new Social Media Coordinator. 

Please say hello to Chris O’Brien!

He was born and grew up Rhode Island and moved to Los Angeles nearly two years ago. Along with his many years of social media experience, Chris is also an actor and a writer. He loves pizza, hockey, and of course, The Walking Dead. Chris is absolutely thrilled to join Skybound!

For about two weeks now, he’s been the guy you’ve been joking around with on Twitter. He has also been writing the Facebook posts and responding to your comments on this page. For now, he’ll be focused mostly on keeping in touch with all of you about the Escape on Facebook and Twitter, but he’s got plans for a lot more (see also: Tumblr). 

So, to officially welcome Chris to Skybound and The Walking Dead Escape, please comment below with which character from The Walking Dead Chris reminds you of most. No, really… he specifically requested this.

Tomorrow, Chris will pick his favorite answer and contact the person who made the comment for a small prize!

Woo! Welcome Chris!

I now run the Walking Dead Escape Facebook page and the Walking Dead Escape Twitter and I will be adding a lot more to that list in the very near future!

Please go like and follow me and I will talk to you about me in the third person a lot or whatever. It will be fun, I promise.

Apr 14

Sunday I was working on a project and I arrived at set to find out I was going to get to meet and work with one of my all-time favorite YouTubers, Hannah Hart!
(If you follow me on Twitter, then you already know I peed myself a little.)
Most of you know Hannah from My Drunk Kitchen and yes, she is exactly as sweet, funny, friendly, and amazing as she seems. She might actually be way more friendly. She gave me an apple. It had a face on it.
It was a great day and I think everyone had as much fun as I did—at least I hope so.
Thanks again, Hannah, for being so cool and taking a few pictures with me. I hope I get to work with you again, soon!

Sunday I was working on a project and I arrived at set to find out I was going to get to meet and work with one of my all-time favorite YouTubers, Hannah Hart!

(If you follow me on Twitter, then you already know I peed myself a little.)

Most of you know Hannah from My Drunk Kitchen and yes, she is exactly as sweet, funny, friendly, and amazing as she seems. She might actually be way more friendly. She gave me an apple. It had a face on it.

It was a great day and I think everyone had as much fun as I did—at least I hope so.

Thanks again, Hannah, for being so cool and taking a few pictures with me. I hope I get to work with you again, soon!

Apr 09

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 3"
(for previous posts in this series, click here)
For all the very obvious problems with my profile, I did one thing well; I was honest.
Yes, sometimes I wrote strange, unnecessary jokes, described myself in confusing terms, and wrote in a style that even Stephen Fry would find dry and difficult to approach… but I was always honest.
So, I found it very confusing when I’d receive messages from people who very neatly fit into a description of exactly the sort of person I don’t think I could ever date…
Yet, this happened. Repeatedly. Why?
Part 3
Along with wordy, difficult to approach descriptions of myself, basic statistics about me were also prominently featured under my poorly chosen username and avatar. These are standard in most online dating profiles—the statistics, not the username and avatar. Actually, you know what? No. All of it is standard.
My statistics-bearing sidebar looked like this:
Okay, so most of the information there is inert. However, there are two very important points which I also brought up in other areas of my profile (areas I’ve yet to share with you).
First: I’m a strict vegetarian.Second: I’m an atheist… for lack of a better or more accurate descriptor.
No, this doesn’t mean I was looking for a partner to go dancing naked with me at convents, lobbing kale salad through the dorm windows of sleeping nuns, but I thought it was at least implied that if you call yourself a “Christian Carnivore” in your profile… we’re probably not compatible.
The Christian Carnivores tended to disagree. They’d usually become very angry with me when I turned down offers to go on a Sunday afternoon date to eat the best burger in LA “…and order it so rare that it’s dripping!”
It’s fine that there are a lot of people in the world who want to go to church on Sundays and eat nearly raw meat after, I’m just not particularly interested in dating those people. 
It isn’t that I would deny developing feelings or the emergence of a healthy relationship that had amazing potential for life-long happiness with a person who was religious, ate meat, or both… but generally speaking, my lifestyle choices would be as much or more a problem for them as theirs would be for me. 
And if you’re going through all the trouble of setting up an online dating profile and navigating the very awkward and uncomfortable process of meeting and dating strangers you found on the web (an endeavor not entirely unlike trying to eat hot soup with your bare hands without spilling), wouldn’t you want to avoid dates with people you seem to have nothing in common with?
I mean, it’s one thing to disagree about your favorite video game. It’s another thing entirely to disagree about your basic understanding of the Universe and human beings’ place in it.
This world is made of love and peace…
- Chris

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 3"

(for previous posts in this series, click here)

For all the very obvious problems with my profile, I did one thing well; I was honest.

Yes, sometimes I wrote strange, unnecessary jokes, described myself in confusing terms, and wrote in a style that even Stephen Fry would find dry and difficult to approach… but I was always honest.

So, I found it very confusing when I’d receive messages from people who very neatly fit into a description of exactly the sort of person I don’t think I could ever date…

Yet, this happened. Repeatedly. Why?

Part 3

Along with wordy, difficult to approach descriptions of myself, basic statistics about me were also prominently featured under my poorly chosen username and avatar. These are standard in most online dating profiles—the statistics, not the username and avatar. Actually, you know what? No. All of it is standard.

My statistics-bearing sidebar looked like this:



Okay, so most of the information there is inert. However, there are two very important points which I also brought up in other areas of my profile (areas I’ve yet to share with you).

First: I’m a strict vegetarian.
Second: I’m an atheist… for lack of a better or more accurate descriptor.

No, this doesn’t mean I was looking for a partner to go dancing naked with me at convents, lobbing kale salad through the dorm windows of sleeping nuns, but I thought it was at least implied that if you call yourself a “Christian Carnivore” in your profile… we’re probably not compatible.

The Christian Carnivores tended to disagree. They’d usually become very angry with me when I turned down offers to go on a Sunday afternoon date to eat the best burger in LA “…and order it so rare that it’s dripping!”

It’s fine that there are a lot of people in the world who want to go to church on Sundays and eat nearly raw meat after, I’m just not particularly interested in dating those people. 

It isn’t that I would deny developing feelings or the emergence of a healthy relationship that had amazing potential for life-long happiness with a person who was religious, ate meat, or both… but generally speaking, my lifestyle choices would be as much or more a problem for them as theirs would be for me. 

And if you’re going through all the trouble of setting up an online dating profile and navigating the very awkward and uncomfortable process of meeting and dating strangers you found on the web (an endeavor not entirely unlike trying to eat hot soup with your bare hands without spilling), wouldn’t you want to avoid dates with people you seem to have nothing in common with?

I mean, it’s one thing to disagree about your favorite video game. It’s another thing entirely to disagree about your basic understanding of the Universe and human beings’ place in it.


This world is made of love and peace…

- Chris

ALL THE ANONS!

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Ah, you know. Not much. You?

 

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No. Could you bring me some ice cream?

 

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Thank you for the compliment.

When you are on OKCupid in LA, the best way to make sure no one ever messages you or responds to your messages is to use your headshot as your profile picture. Everyone’s tired of meeting actors and people “in the industry.”

I think my profile is a little strange, too. That’s why I’m making fun of it so much.

 

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I don’t mind you asking nearly as much as I mind that you didn’t capitalize that I…

I’ll be talking about what happened in my series, “Crumbs of my (Deleted) OKCupid Profile.”

 

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Thank you very much. I don’t think it would be superficial at all. I hope you did get around to following me!

 

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ImishMewtwo.

 

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Wait, doesn’t everyone do that?

 

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I would tell you It’s more likely to happen than you think.

 

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Thanks! I try!

 

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There are so many things in this that I want to address, but the only one that I think I need to is that you seem to think that texting is how to “make conversation the old fashioned way.”

…Assuming you’re probably male, but even if you’re not, you should never make romantic advances on a stranger while they’re at work, especially if they are serving you. If they aren’t interested, they may feel cornered or pressured into agreeing to things they don’t want to, like giving you their number.

Generally speaking, they can tell if you’re interested (they’re paid to be nice to you, you don’t have to hold eye contact with them and compliment them and make jokes and—you get the point) and if they feel the same way, they’ll find a way to slip you their number or whatever.

It’s never happened to me, but I have been told by a guy that knew a guy that this is how it works sometimes.

Apr 07

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 2"
Re-reading my first post in this series, I realize I may have accidentally insulted a few people that I didn’t intend to.
The primary goal of this series is to make fun of myself. Trust me, I deserve it. As I began with that in mind, I forgot to make it very clear that I have met and become friends with a few people through OKCupid. I focused instead on the bad experiences and the (to me) obvious reasons why I so often attracted unwanted attention, negative attention, or no attention at all.
That was unfair to the women I met who have become my friends and whom I care about very much. They didn’t work out as romantic partners, but they are amazing people. So, I’d like to apologize to each of you out there. I am sorry.
When I talk about bad experiences, awkward dates, or other complaints about my time exploring online dating, I’m not talking about those amazing people. That said, meeting and interacting with people like them was uncommon at best.
Part 2
That embarrassing chunk of profile from last time? Yeah, that was just a very small part of something so much longer.
Could it get worse than that? Yes.
Did it? Also, yes.


WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
I moved to LA at the end of August of 2012 to further pursue acting and writing. I have been very lucky to only do those two things for work since I’ve been here.
Really though, what I am doing with my life is spending a lot of time reading, watching Netflix, looking at the Internet, wishing I had pizza to eat, defending the usefulness of the Oxford Comma, and trying to think of funny things to tweet. (I am pretty successful at all of those things.)
I am trying to go for walks more. The Iliad Bookstore is only a couple blocks away from where I live. (Luckily they have couches so I can rest before making the grueling ten minute walk back home.)
I’d like to travel more. I’ve been to a few places in Europe, like cities in Germany, Italy, Belgium, the Netherlands, and the Czech Republic. I also studied Theatre and English Literature in London for a semester. I’d love to go back to any of these places and see some new cities, too (like China).
I also spend a significant amount of time trying to find more excuses to write Q/A style FAQ because I find it very easy to write comedy in that format.
Q: Really?A: No, not really. That was only a setup for this one joke.

I wrote much of this small section with a few ideas very present in my mind. First, I had read somewhere that you were more likely to attract messages if you mentioned traveling. I do love traveling, so I thought I’d include that.
I probably didn’t need to list every country I’ve ever been to as if I had just come down with a mystery disease and a crack team of doctors specializing in diagnostics were collecting information from me to determine whether or not it’s lupus.
Something is definitely wrong with me. It’s not lupus.
I had also read that expressing interest in things like fitness and reading were good ideas. I didn’t want to lie, so I didn’t, but I forgot that dry humor doesn’t always play well in text. I can’t tell you how many outraged messages I received regarding the fact that I can’t handle a ten minute walk.
Wait a minute, yes I can. It was one. I received one short, angry message from a woman who more or less said “you’re what’s wrong with this country.” I told her I was joking. She told me I wasn’t funny.
In retrospect, I think she made some pretty accurate statements about me, but for the wrong reasons.
The last thing I had read about online dating (well, dating in general) is that people like people who are funny. I tried to show my sense of humor.
I think the only problem with doing that was I succeeded.
See you space cowboy…
- Chris

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile - Part 2"

Re-reading my first post in this series, I realize I may have accidentally insulted a few people that I didn’t intend to.

The primary goal of this series is to make fun of myself. Trust me, I deserve it. As I began with that in mind, I forgot to make it very clear that I have met and become friends with a few people through OKCupid. I focused instead on the bad experiences and the (to me) obvious reasons why I so often attracted unwanted attention, negative attention, or no attention at all.

That was unfair to the women I met who have become my friends and whom I care about very much. They didn’t work out as romantic partners, but they are amazing people. So, I’d like to apologize to each of you out there. I am sorry.

When I talk about bad experiences, awkward dates, or other complaints about my time exploring online dating, I’m not talking about those amazing people. That said, meeting and interacting with people like them was uncommon at best.

Part 2

That embarrassing chunk of profile from last time? Yeah, that was just a very small part of something so much longer.

Could it get worse than that? Yes.

Did it? Also, yes.

WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE

I moved to LA at the end of August of 2012 to further pursue acting and writing. I have been very lucky to only do those two things for work since I’ve been here.

Really though, what I am doing with my life is spending a lot of time reading, watching Netflix, looking at the Internet, wishing I had pizza to eat, defending the usefulness of the Oxford Comma, and trying to think of funny things to tweet. (I am pretty successful at all of those things.)

I am trying to go for walks more. The Iliad Bookstore is only a couple blocks away from where I live. (Luckily they have couches so I can rest before making the grueling ten minute walk back home.)

I’d like to travel more. I’ve been to a few places in Europe, like cities in Germany, Italy, Belgium, the Netherlands, and the Czech Republic. I also studied Theatre and English Literature in London for a semester. I’d love to go back to any of these places and see some new cities, too (like China).

I also spend a significant amount of time trying to find more excuses to write Q/A style FAQ because I find it very easy to write comedy in that format.

Q: Really?
A: No, not really. That was only a setup for this one joke.


I wrote much of this small section with a few ideas very present in my mind. First, I had read somewhere that you were more likely to attract messages if you mentioned traveling. I do love traveling, so I thought I’d include that.

I probably didn’t need to list every country I’ve ever been to as if I had just come down with a mystery disease and a crack team of doctors specializing in diagnostics were collecting information from me to determine whether or not it’s lupus.

Something is definitely wrong with me. It’s not lupus.

I had also read that expressing interest in things like fitness and reading were good ideas. I didn’t want to lie, so I didn’t, but I forgot that dry humor doesn’t always play well in text. I can’t tell you how many outraged messages I received regarding the fact that I can’t handle a ten minute walk.

Wait a minute, yes I can. It was one. I received one short, angry message from a woman who more or less said “you’re what’s wrong with this country.” I told her I was joking. She told me I wasn’t funny.

In retrospect, I think she made some pretty accurate statements about me, but for the wrong reasons.

The last thing I had read about online dating (well, dating in general) is that people like people who are funny. I tried to show my sense of humor.

I think the only problem with doing that was I succeeded.


See you space cowboy…

- Chris

Mar 31

“It does not matter how slowly you line up your avatar with the top hat, as long as you do not stop.” — creperil spools

Mar 30

[video]

Mar 28

Anonymous asked: i think you're okcupid profile is the saddest thing i ever read. i am sure you're very datable though, irl. good luck!

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I think your message gives me plenty of evidence that you’re not the type of person I was trying to attract, but thank you for the well-wishes.

Mar 25

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile"
Some of you may remember that rather than hard drugs or sexual fluidity like all the cool kids who come to LA, I recently decided to experiment with online dating.
I wouldn’t call the experiment a failure… but it’s definitely over.
Now that I’ve deleted my profile, I thought I’d share all the revealing personal information that would have allowed you to find it and stalk me. More importantly, I’ve decided to post a few fragments of my profile, so you can laugh at me and all of the very obvious reasons I am undatable.
Also, I think I’m funny and you have to be at least a little bit delusional to write this kind of blog, so why not? Right?
Part 1
Yes. The image I’ve made for this series uses an actual screenshot from my now dead profile. That was really the picture I lead with. I know. No, really, I know. In the immortal words of Mike Birbiglia, “I am in the future also.”
I mean, why would anyone think a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer with a weird stalker smile on my face wouldn’t produce unimaginable success in online romance? Even now, I can hear the muffled sound of panties hitting the floor in the distance.
Really though, here’s a tip. If you ever try online dating, when you choose your profile picture, don’t use a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer… Trust me.
And yes. I really did choose a username that references my blog (again, the muffled sounds in the distance…). For all of you anonymous followers I’ve been dodging or altogether ignoring for the last two or more years, you have finally have a clear answer about how old I am. By Tumblr standards, I’m that kid who graduated college two years ago, moved back in with his parents, and still shows up at his old high school’s basketball games, drunk.
So, what if you somehow accidentally clicked on my profile image when your eyes rolled back and you fell into a shark-like frenzy at the sight of 4EvaABronelyNiceGuy69's profile picture, featuring a waist-up bathroom selfie of him in nothing but his neck beard and fedora? Well, you would have found my introduction and that read a little something (exactly) like this…

MY SELF-SUMMARY
As you read this profile, if it’s in parentheses (like this), it’s probably sarcastic, ironic, and/or a joke (or is it?) (yes, it is).
This profile is so long because I had a lot of time on my hands one afternoon and entertained myself by writing it. I often add and sometimes remove pieces. Sometimes I will bold the most recent additions. (Like this?) (No, like this.)
I am a vegetarian that hates salad, but only on principle. I can say (or sing, if you’d prefer) the alphabet backward. I can also solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than four minutes. I played ice hockey for about 12 years starting when I was four years old. I can still skate better than I can walk (partially because I am very bad at walking—no one ever taught me, I had to learn on my own).
I don’t like to describe myself, I’m a feminist who wishes it wasn’t something you had to say about yourself or explain what it means and why you are one, and if pizza were I person, I wouldn’t need to be on this site.
My favorite kind of word is a contranym. My favorite word (and literary device) is synecdoche.
I really dislike cliches and overused idioms. If you say a cliche to me and it rhymes, or worse, it’s a pun, I might stop talking to you forever. (Seriously.)
I am also an actor and a writer, I love ice hockey, pizza, Spotify, and Arthur C. Clarke. I grew up in Rhode Island and lived there for the first 23 years of my life. I don’t have a Rhode Island accent. I do love coffee milk.

…
One last time, because I love this joke and because it is very appropriate, I know. I’m in the future also.
Nothing amazing ever happens here.
- Chris

"Crumbs of My (Deleted) OKCupid Profile"

Some of you may remember that rather than hard drugs or sexual fluidity like all the cool kids who come to LA, I recently decided to experiment with online dating.

I wouldn’t call the experiment a failure… but it’s definitely over.

Now that I’ve deleted my profile, I thought I’d share all the revealing personal information that would have allowed you to find it and stalk me. More importantly, I’ve decided to post a few fragments of my profile, so you can laugh at me and all of the very obvious reasons I am undatable.

Also, I think I’m funny and you have to be at least a little bit delusional to write this kind of blog, so why not? Right?

Part 1

Yes. The image I’ve made for this series uses an actual screenshot from my now dead profile. That was really the picture I lead with. I know. No, really, I know. In the immortal words of Mike Birbiglia, “I am in the future also.”

I mean, why would anyone think a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer with a weird stalker smile on my face wouldn’t produce unimaginable success in online romance? Even now, I can hear the muffled sound of panties hitting the floor in the distance.

Really though, here’s a tip. If you ever try online dating, when you choose your profile picture, don’t use a photo of me looking glassy-eyed over the edge of a half-finished pint of beer… Trust me.

And yes. I really did choose a username that references my blog (again, the muffled sounds in the distance…). For all of you anonymous followers I’ve been dodging or altogether ignoring for the last two or more years, you have finally have a clear answer about how old I am. By Tumblr standards, I’m that kid who graduated college two years ago, moved back in with his parents, and still shows up at his old high school’s basketball games, drunk.

So, what if you somehow accidentally clicked on my profile image when your eyes rolled back and you fell into a shark-like frenzy at the sight of 4EvaABronelyNiceGuy69's profile picture, featuring a waist-up bathroom selfie of him in nothing but his neck beard and fedora? Well, you would have found my introduction and that read a little something (exactly) like this…

MY SELF-SUMMARY

As you read this profile, if it’s in parentheses (like this), it’s probably sarcastic, ironic, and/or a joke (or is it?) (yes, it is).

This profile is so long because I had a lot of time on my hands one afternoon and entertained myself by writing it. I often add and sometimes remove pieces. Sometimes I will bold the most recent additions. (Like this?) (No, like this.)

I am a vegetarian that hates salad, but only on principle. I can say (or sing, if you’d prefer) the alphabet backward. I can also solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than four minutes. I played ice hockey for about 12 years starting when I was four years old. I can still skate better than I can walk (partially because I am very bad at walking—no one ever taught me, I had to learn on my own).

I don’t like to describe myself, I’m a feminist who wishes it wasn’t something you had to say about yourself or explain what it means and why you are one, and if pizza were I person, I wouldn’t need to be on this site.

My favorite kind of word is a contranym. My favorite word (and literary device) is synecdoche.

I really dislike cliches and overused idioms. If you say a cliche to me and it rhymes, or worse, it’s a pun, I might stop talking to you forever. (Seriously.)

I am also an actor and a writer, I love ice hockey, pizza, Spotify, and Arthur C. Clarke. I grew up in Rhode Island and lived there for the first 23 years of my life. I don’t have a Rhode Island accent. I do love coffee milk.

One last time, because I love this joke and because it is very appropriate, I know. I’m in the future also.

Nothing amazing ever happens here.

- Chris